What else can I do?

Last updated on March 3, 2021

Head is swimming
in emotional commotion
in emotional condemnation?
This moment I was trepidatious of
been dreading it for years
never been able to say those words
not sure I ever would.

Endlessly in my head they played
in circles round each other
like a car never exiting a roundabout
but this roundabout got progressively wider
and spiralled towards Hell
for it is that which I could feel
a hellish dread, a plague of self-doubt
of something never done before
a sickening, sinking feeling
for years, months, weeks on end
lodged in my head and not paying rent
was I predisposed to this? Perhaps. I don’t know. Nor do I want to.
Your past always follows you—riding shotgun.
But today, however much dread there was
it transpired—thoughts eventually precipitated
—that those words out I blurted—that I think you are beautiful—
and you didn’t run, nor frown nor grimace.
Your cheeks, bright as the sakura tree in full bloom,
a resounding standing ovation yes it was not, but a hinted, perhaps in the future once some dude you’re seeing is gone, kind of yes.
I’ll be waiting.
What else can I do?